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A Great Start to Your Next Relationship
- By Brad Lebo
- Published 11/16/2008
- Psychology
- Unrated
Brad Lebo
Dr. Lebo is a licensed psychologist who has been practicing for twenty years. He can be reached by email at drlebo@selfhelpinsight.com. You can also visit the http://selfhelpinsight.com website for additional information on recovering from a lost love and heart break.
http://selfhelpinsight.com
The three steps to take before starting a new relationship are: getting over the loss of your last relationship, figuring out who you are, and visualizing your new partner and a healthy relationship with him or her.
The first step is to accept the loss of your last relationship.
It may be obvious but it is hard to successfully start a new relationship if you are still holding out hope that your last relationship will work out. If you are not over your last partner, you are not going to be able to give your new partner your full attention or be fully available emotionally.
Allow your self enough time between relationships to accept your loss and heal. Doing otherwise likely dooms your new relationship before it even starts.
The second step is to figure out who you are.
Most people know who they are, right? Not so much. It seems easy to know one's self but it is not.
The chief reason it is difficult to know one's self is because of the confusion created by parental and societal messages of who you "should be". These messages are a kind of noise to filter out while thinking about who you really are.
Knowing who you are is summarized best by an accounting of your likes and dislikes - your true likes and dislikes, not the ones you have because someone else says you should. You are also someone with unique talents and experiences but the best indicator of who you are is a review of what you genuinely like and dislike. This is despite the fact that what you like and dislike changes over time.
Knowing who you are is key to having a great start to a new relationship because it is impossible to stay true to your self without knowing who you are. If you are unable to stay true to your self, sooner or later you will face a dilemma: keep silent about your true likes and dislikes or stay with a partner with different likes and dislikes.
Of course, the focus should be on major likes and dislikes - the deal breakers of relationships. Staying true to your love of vanilla ice cream when your partner likes chocolate is not hard. Sustaining a passion for outside recreation when you prefer to be indoors is hard.
The final step is to literally visualize your new partner and a healthy relationship.
As you understand your own likes and dislikes better, visualize a partner who has similar likes and dislikes. Do not imagine someone with exactly the same likes and dislikes.
It is improbable that such a person exists - we are all too unique.
Do imagine someone with similar likes and dislikes, particularly when your own likes and dislikes are a high priority to you. Draw a mental picture with as much detail as you can muster. Revisit the picture you have created often.
If nothing else, visualizing a new partner fights two human tendencies that limit our relationships. The first of these two tendencies is to avoid the complex details of other people's lives.
An obvious example of this tendency at work is the phenomena of prejudice: when how we think and feel about someone else is based on superficial characteristics or group affiliation. When we avoid thinking about the complex details of someone else's life, we cannot "know" them and we certainly won't be able to "see" them for who they really are. The point is that the more time you put into visualizing a future partner, the easier it is going to be to "see" those characteristics when they are present in someone new.
The second human tendency that deserves mention is the tendency to gravitate toward relationships that are familiar, even if what is familiar is abusive and unhealthy. It is a fact that familiarity produces comfort. It is a sad fact that familiarity can limit us to the kinds of relationships we have already had, even if they have been bad.
The solution to the tendency to gravitate toward the familiar, when the familiar is unwanted, is to visualize a partner who relates in a way that is desirable or healthy.
This is not as difficult as it may sound. No doubt, someone has related to you positively during the course of your life, even if only briefly. Visualize a partner who relates to you positively the majority of the time.
Imagine how you will feel if someone is consistently supportive and loving. Imagine it enough to get familiar with it.
Many will find themselves feeling uncomfortable when imagining such a relationship. They and perhaps you, will start to wait for the "other shoe to drop".
The uncertainty of what will happen can take hold and drive individuals back to the familiar. This is one reason people have the same kind of dysfunctional relationships over and over. The task is to visualize being comfortable with some uncertainty as well as to imagine a relationship with someone who is consistently supportive and loving.
Having a great start to a new relationship takes work and is not as much fun as "falling in love". The work will pay off nonetheless and can help you stay "in love".
The first step is to accept the loss of your last relationship.
It may be obvious but it is hard to successfully start a new relationship if you are still holding out hope that your last relationship will work out. If you are not over your last partner, you are not going to be able to give your new partner your full attention or be fully available emotionally.
Allow your self enough time between relationships to accept your loss and heal. Doing otherwise likely dooms your new relationship before it even starts.
The second step is to figure out who you are.
Most people know who they are, right? Not so much. It seems easy to know one's self but it is not.
The chief reason it is difficult to know one's self is because of the confusion created by parental and societal messages of who you "should be". These messages are a kind of noise to filter out while thinking about who you really are.
Knowing who you are is summarized best by an accounting of your likes and dislikes - your true likes and dislikes, not the ones you have because someone else says you should. You are also someone with unique talents and experiences but the best indicator of who you are is a review of what you genuinely like and dislike. This is despite the fact that what you like and dislike changes over time.
Knowing who you are is key to having a great start to a new relationship because it is impossible to stay true to your self without knowing who you are. If you are unable to stay true to your self, sooner or later you will face a dilemma: keep silent about your true likes and dislikes or stay with a partner with different likes and dislikes.
Of course, the focus should be on major likes and dislikes - the deal breakers of relationships. Staying true to your love of vanilla ice cream when your partner likes chocolate is not hard. Sustaining a passion for outside recreation when you prefer to be indoors is hard.
The final step is to literally visualize your new partner and a healthy relationship.
As you understand your own likes and dislikes better, visualize a partner who has similar likes and dislikes. Do not imagine someone with exactly the same likes and dislikes.
Do imagine someone with similar likes and dislikes, particularly when your own likes and dislikes are a high priority to you. Draw a mental picture with as much detail as you can muster. Revisit the picture you have created often.
If nothing else, visualizing a new partner fights two human tendencies that limit our relationships. The first of these two tendencies is to avoid the complex details of other people's lives.
An obvious example of this tendency at work is the phenomena of prejudice: when how we think and feel about someone else is based on superficial characteristics or group affiliation. When we avoid thinking about the complex details of someone else's life, we cannot "know" them and we certainly won't be able to "see" them for who they really are. The point is that the more time you put into visualizing a future partner, the easier it is going to be to "see" those characteristics when they are present in someone new.
The second human tendency that deserves mention is the tendency to gravitate toward relationships that are familiar, even if what is familiar is abusive and unhealthy. It is a fact that familiarity produces comfort. It is a sad fact that familiarity can limit us to the kinds of relationships we have already had, even if they have been bad.
The solution to the tendency to gravitate toward the familiar, when the familiar is unwanted, is to visualize a partner who relates in a way that is desirable or healthy.
This is not as difficult as it may sound. No doubt, someone has related to you positively during the course of your life, even if only briefly. Visualize a partner who relates to you positively the majority of the time.
Imagine how you will feel if someone is consistently supportive and loving. Imagine it enough to get familiar with it.
Many will find themselves feeling uncomfortable when imagining such a relationship. They and perhaps you, will start to wait for the "other shoe to drop".
The uncertainty of what will happen can take hold and drive individuals back to the familiar. This is one reason people have the same kind of dysfunctional relationships over and over. The task is to visualize being comfortable with some uncertainty as well as to imagine a relationship with someone who is consistently supportive and loving.
Having a great start to a new relationship takes work and is not as much fun as "falling in love". The work will pay off nonetheless and can help you stay "in love".